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i live like i’m practically married now… Not saying it’s a bad thing, but I have no time for myself for my mind to devour my thoughts, not time to sit by myself and actually think. i’m always with someone or doing something. i’m scared. i feel as though im too young, but in fact im actually too old to be thinking in such a selfish way.
Working and going to school is some shit. i dont have a car and m living situation is fucked. i cannot afford anything. i am in debt to other people for shor emergencies and nothing i am doing is stable, well, my job might be since i’m surrounded by some great people.
getting back to school after leaving is the worst shit ever. i should have continued rather than mentally accepting that taking a break would be okay, now i have fallen inlove with someone who i admire and values education. i thought i valued education. WRONG. i made an act as though i did but i never went through with what i said. Like a lot of things in my life.
i have now come to realize my actions affect others and not just myself. i have also been selfishly thinking of only myself. but actually, i havent even been thinking. for the past 2 years i havent been thinking at all. okay, actually 3 years. when i was a jr i thought i had all my shit figued out. but in reality it wasnt..
man, what a hypocrite i am. what bullshit have i been serving people that actually care about me it Xander. not putting in my part of the relationship, nor friendships. thats why i dont have friends, i dont know what it is to commit to people. one thing im learning to to be smart with your money. TO BE VERY SMART WITH MONEY BECAUSE. i always thought someone was in need of the money more than i am.

MY PROBLEM IS, IS THAT I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MYSELF. and intailed with that is that it affects other people around me to my ilogical desicions to do shit. and my shyness doesnt help with that neither. i need to learn how to care. fuck my life.

Trust me, I’m leaving you soon. No need for the unessissary stress you give me.

It’s simple, you make me happy and then I do whatever you want me to do. The reason why I’m such a bitch now is because I’m not happy. Wa-lah

Like I can’t even use my social media as a secrecy to an outlet to my feelings because I have someone fucking hounding me about it all the fucking time. Fuck this. If I was taught to express my feelings maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. But all I had was the internet and my thoughts since I wasslways grounded for stupid shit or accused if being in a gang. Fuck everything. My love life is almost shit because I’m dTkng someone who I think cares about me but we almost have nothing in common anymore. Maybe it’s all just me. Fuck everything.

I’m fucking miserable with EVERYTHING.

I need to turn lesbian or something, then I won’t get pregnant and have all the sex I want. #thankyoustrapons

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